note: I really hesitated and contemplated sharing these experiences because it might shed light negatively on certain people or places, however it’s also my own practise to share and self-voice my own truth. So I am hoping that readers will hold space for that.
I hate this time of year, it’s always so depressing. There’s only ever a mix of snow or rain, and the sun makes an appearance maybe once a month. This time can be really depressing.
This time of year used to be even worse in the past I would say, but a lot of that was circumstantial. Either bad/toxic relationships, or really bad/toxic living situations. In a lot of ways while being in those contexts I could blame my sad feelings on such things, like I am sad because of my living situation, or I am sad because I am not being treated a certain way. But now, I just feel sad. I hate being like this, I hate feeling. Everyone keeps asking me the same thing, how is school going. And those who are closer to me know some of the facts, and much of what’s really been going on, but I would say, I haven’t really been very honest with how it’s been going.
I started blogging and keeping a sort of journal on my thoughts a few years ago. I would say when I published them on my WordPress, it felt very therapeutic and such a relief from my shoulders because of the weight that it would take off me. My top love language is words of affirmation and I’ve really had to learn over the years to treat myself with love and care and in a way that honours that type of love. So, something like a blog is totally affirming since its self-determining and something I can create and share on my own terms.
I would say my blog has changed over the last few months, basically ever since I started grad school. I am taking a class right now with a professor who really encourages building a writing practise. She provides us prompts before the beginning of each class to write in an unlined journal sketches, ideas, thoughts about whatever the topic is. One week she asked us to draw our expectation of what grad school is like, and then to draw the reality of what grad school is really like.
I drew my sketches and they were so different. I thought grad school was going to be this fabulous experience of finding myself, meeting other people, challenging my ideas, going to conferences and discussing my thesis over coffee. But I find my reality to be sitting in this constant state of stress, worry, feeling more self-conscious about my work and ideas than I ever have before and almost as if there is little to no recognition. When I think about these two sketches, I link it back to expectations. I had high expectations and hopes for what my graduate student experience would be like, and with what has happened thus far, I can’t help but to feel disappointed. And this disappointment is not on one course, person, experience, or anything at all, I think it really is about my expectations.
Before beginning these types of studies, I think I really romanticized graduate school, the appeal of making your own schedule, diving deep into theory, and being able to expand on ideas and concepts in a much more enriching way. Although this has happened and I am sure will continue to happen, I can’t help but holding onto this feeling of disappointment. When I write this, I also have the little voice in the back of my head from my mom that sarcastically says, “you’re never happy with anything”, because it’s true. I always think of things as though they can be improved or somehow better based on what I ought to think they should be rather than what they are.
So last week I had a sit down with a writing coach, it was really helpful. She asked me about my writing practise, and I brought up all these experiences of grad school and the blog I had kept up with for a few years. What we talked about is this idea of letting go, letting go of expectations of what our ideas, or flushed out thoughts should be, or what the institution thinks they should be and just let the words flow. I know that some people think of blogs as just online diaries, and others conceptualize them as very meaningful spaces of expression. I personally do not care what other people think, because my blog allows me to express in ways that I know how.
Getting back to these grad school experiences, it is definitely not what I expected. When people say students can be competitive or deceptive in grad school, they aren’t lying. I never really understood people who can go around in the world as if there isn’t enough for everyone. It really shocks me at times when students attempt to hide or keep private things that could be beneficial or useful to others. On that note, grad school can also contain lots of drama. I won’t go into too many details, but I think a combination of the academic pressure, general stress, and at times competitive nature, people can often find themselves in unpleasant situations and awkward conversations. Aside from this, courses can also be incredibly weird spaces. I am constantly thinking of how professors decide to facilitate their courses, and who is kept safe in the classroom. It was awkward when I sat in a class of eight people while having to listening to a non-Native person cry about their own heartache of learning about colonization. We honestly don’t need this type of learning environment. These types of scenarios really baffle me, and I thought I was in a place of higher learning, but some of the content I am being taught can feel elementary.
I hate to be such a bummer, and as if I am shitting on the entire grad school experience, but there are times when I can’t help the way I feel. I will say it hasn’t been all bad. I had shared many of these feelings with a mentor, and how it’s really challenging me in other ways, and she had asked me to try to think of this as learning. I will say that is what I am trying to do, not entirely there yet.
I think what’s challenging right now is the the current state of affairs. While being an Indigenous graduate student, or Indigenous scholar, it is hard to sit and read and write about resistance when it’s all unfolding out right in front of you.
Social media has been exhausting me the last few weeks. I am fortunate right now in my life that I do not work in a service facing, or educating type of role, so I don’t have to explain Indigenous sovereignty or resistance to people on a daily basis. But it is exhausting when you witness it over and over again in your own social networks. I contemplated writing a blog about that, but never got around to it. It breaks my heart how uninformed people are, and how violent and racist Canadians can be. What is also so maddening about the issues is that non-Indigenous people now take it upon themselves to insert their ideas and perspectives on Indigenous sovereignty and self-determination. This is the worst type of ally in my opinion. Maybe I will save that discussion for another post.
What I am really trying to balance in this whole grad school experience is my expectations of what I thought it was going to be like and the reality of it all. Being an Indigenous graduate student also has it’s own unique perspective – content and literature can be deeply personal and impactful. Not only this, but for myself, grad school is literally the first time I’ve ever had Indigenous professors and students by my side. In a lot of ways while pursuing this degree it’s been really helpful to be set up in this context and in this way. Not only in a way that is generative and supportive, but very trusting.
I never knew that type of vulnerability before. I think because thus far I’ve spent much of my time explaining my ideas and concepts to non-Indigenous people. But sharing in this way with someone who is well studied and read in the field I am working in, feels so intimidating. It feels like I won’t get it right. And honestly my ego has been fed so long by getting it right. I don’t think there’s any other kind of rush in life (at least right now) like sending work to your supervisor for revisions and comments.
This has been a somewhat rambly blog, but decided to post anyway and share. I hope to be writing on this more often, and sincerely and honestly.
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